Greatest Hits

Now this makes me laugh.

I got my own blog post forwarded

to me because the person thought

I would think it was funny.

I think it's damn funny,

I wrote it in the first place.

The following is a repost

of what I consider to be my

most important and pressing

blog ever.

and hilarious.

------------------------------

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

RE: BCC: FW:

Dudes.

This is urgent.

This is important.

This is an urgent and important
lesson in how to be sure that
you are not acting like an idiot.

There are you among us,
who are behaving in a completely
inappropriate manner and I am
here today to call you out.

Communication between humans
has reached an all time high,
in regards to speed and availability,
and an all time low,

in regards to basic fucking decency.

If you must send out an email,
and you must contact several people
at once with said email,
do not put us all in your To:
address line.

That is a stupid thing to do.

Put yourself in the To: line,
and put the rest of us in the BCC: line.

BCC stands for Blind Carbon Copy,
it also stands for Basic Cfucking Cdecency.

When you put the addresses in the To:
line, they are all there for us all to see,
which is annoying, and thoughtless,
and it makes the email header 7 inches tall.

That is the smallest offense,
but it must be taken as seriously,
because it is directly related to the following crime,
punishable by death, in Iran.

Reply All.

How dare you imagine,
for even one moment,
that all 75 of us on this mass
email give two fucks if you're
going to come to the party or not?

"I'll be there!"

Replied to all,
means that 75 other people
have their emails clogged
with your three word, idiotic response.

There are two options when you reply,
"Reply" or "Reply to All"

Unless your response is,

"anyone who wants $100 send me your address"

just choose "Reply" and
send it to the one person who cares.

You are out there in droves,
you offenders of decency,
because how many of us
have come to our emails
to find seventeen responses
to one idiotic invitation?

"cool!"

"can't make it, pregnant..."

"sounds like fun, count me in!"

"what should I bring?"

then replied to all with,

"I'm bringing some girls!!!!"

then again replied to all with,

"well, then I'm bringing boys!!!!!!!"

Just stop it.

right now,
don't ever do it again.

When you send out a mass email,
use the BCC.

If you must reply to a mass email,
reply to the one person who sent it,
by choosing "Reply",
because the rest of us probably
didn't care about the first email
in the first place.

And we certainly don't care
that you're bringing a vegan chocolate cake.

-p

The Tomato Fest and the Apple Cider Vinegar

St Louis
has to be
the best city
in the world.

in a way.

there's just something about it.

I got some Habanero spiked
Apple Cider Vinegar at the
Tomato Festival I played
at the Iron Barley
that was raising money
for Lift for Life that is
a free gym for inner
city kids to work out at.

There were lots of kids there,
it was five in the afternoon,
so I didn't use any swear words.

I've always wanted to do kids shows.

I'm serious.

So,
I had a small black child
named Devon up onstage
playing percussion.

He was a natural.

I had woken up that morning
on a rug,
at Aaron's awesome house
in Springfield.

I had to haul ass
to St Louis, because
I thought I was on at three.

But I did have just enough
time to stop into Toys R Us
and buy some instruments.

It's been a long time since
I went into Toys R Us for
a cool specific purpose
and a designated wad of cash.

Do you remember anything like that?

Going into Toys R Us or
Kay Bee Toys or Kiddie City?

I did it.. probably twice,
with a certain amount
of money I had saved
or gotten for eating
some Catholic Bread.

First Communion,
it was solid,
my first paid gig.

So,

I gave Devon a bongo I had bought,
and then these two girls had blocks and sticks,
and this cool three year old dude was
on the occasional tambourine.

We sang the hits.
some Queen, a little Snufulupugus,
no swearing,
although I did play
White Trash Woman
with a small black child
on percussion,
and that's kind of awesome like swearing,
but maybe even better.

He took a solo,
it was awesome.

So,
I'm thinking I might swear a little
less on a few songs on my next album.

Don't worry,
I won't wimp out on you,
but I'm going to try to
mess with the language a little.

Clean it up,
make it a little more subtle,
tasteful, family friendly.

And that way,
I can meet more family friendly ladies,
and I can put my shitcock
in their asspussies.

-p0-

PS: my cat just wrote that "0-" after my little "-p"
he jumped on my keyboard. he's not even
supposed to be up here... bad kitty.

The Irish

From my management in the UK:

-------------------------------------------------

Hey heres a reply I got from one Irish venue...

"For fear of being kicked out of my local church (which i dont attend) disowned by my family, 

and closed down by the local witch hunters and the 'not down with this kinda stuff' people.

Clits and balls wont roll in our venue, so I will have to pass on this gig." 

-----------------------------------------

All I can see in my head 

is a bunch of clits and balls

rolling around in an Irish Pub.

Can you see it, too?

-p

contest

so,

at least two dudes
have said they want
a contest for the Nice Peter
Marijuana Music Award.

that's enough for me.

I'll think of something,

unless you can think of
an awesome contest,
just post it here
as a comment,

I have two to give away,
maybe I'll give one
to whoever can think
of the contest for the other one.

actually...

I think I've got an idea.

this might be awful,
but it might be awesome.

what if I hold a contest
in which you have to cover
a Nice Peter song...
either just audio or a video.

it can be as shitty
as you want,
the shittier the better...

in fact,
the funniest,
could be shittiest,
but could also be the best cover,
would win.

that might be a dumb
idea, I had some Absynth.

I'm not sure exactly what
Absynth does..
but it's possible
that it makes you
think of dumb contests.

share your feelings....

-p

gross

I was at a garage sale near Taito's house.

who's Taito...?

oh, he's awesome,
don't worry, you'll meet him someday.

So,
I woke up on Taito's couch
with a playboy magazine and
the remnants of too much beer, popcorn, and pizza.

I wandered into my car,
and drove past a garage sale.

I love garage sales..
love.

This one had a shirt I was eyeing...
but then...
on a table.

they were selling
two boxes of Preparation H ointment,
and a turkey baster.

I'm not kidding.

a used, weird,
gross looking turkey baster,
next to two packages of anus cream.

who...
the fuck...
buys anus cream
at a garage sale?

I got all three for a dollar.

-p

a contest in context

so.

I have these trophies
from the Marijuana music awards I won,
and they're fucking hilariously awesome.

and,
I want to give one of them
away to someone who will
thinks it's cool.

because I have three,
and a tiny apartment,
and two of them aren't
even out on display.

and I figure there might
be someone out there,
who would love to have one,
signed to them, if that's
not too egotistical of me,
and proudly display it,
and say,

"dude... this is one of my favorite bands,
I won this shit in a silly contest online."

so...
now...
what should the contest be?

that's where I'm stuck.

or maybe it's just a dumb idea.

but maybe not?

-p

it's coming....

Hello Peter,

Thank you for contacting us. Please send me the following release
details
and I will then issue you a license for the remaining 65% published
by us.

Song Title(s): Get Low
Writer(s): Jonathan Smith (Lil Jon)
Payment Percentage: 65%
Record Title:
Record No.:
Configuration(s):
Release Date:
Artist:
Timing:

the Anti-Christ

Have you seen
the videos out
there that say,
strongly....
that Barrack Obama
is the second coming of
the devil..........

oooooooooo.........

Now,
crazies are crazies,
and religious crazies are...
well.... really fucking crazy.

here's a video that suggests
Barack Obama grows horns:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mgcl1GwpZsU

notice all the links on the side,
there must be a hundred different
videos out there all trying to "prove"
that Barack Obama seems so good
and so popular because he is marked
by the beast and will lead us all into hellfire.

or something like that.

It's not even hilarious,
although it should be,
because these people
actually seem to believe,
and strongly, and they are not alone,
and it makes me sad.

And it makes me think we should
invent some kind of theme park for them,
where the devil comes, and jesus comes,
and then they all die.

I think they'd be happy,
and then we wouldn't have to
listen to them be crazy anymore.

I'm not suggesting murder,
I'm suggesting a big theme-park-fire-pit,
and some awesome devil and Jesus costumes,
and then... I don't know... maybe Jesus
offers them some special kool-aid to join
him in his magical kingdom.

They get to live out their
weird rapture fantasies,
everybody wins.

Back to the subject at hand,
and away from suggesting mass murder....

The Barack Obama / Anti-Christ videos
made by silly rednecks and self hating
homosexuals who bury their fury
under a cloak of loving Jesus...
are not a shock.

However!

A video put out by the John McCain campaign,
posted on his Youtube and his official website,
that plays off this lunacy and hysteria,
this simple-minded fear,
this backwoods, dark ages,
Inquisition type shiznit...

That's fucking ridiculous.

please watch the video below,
and let me know what you think?

Am I being silly,
or is this some of the lowest,
craziest, political pandering
religious nutball shit
you've ever seen?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mopkn0lPzM8

-p

still...

I still get these,

and they still crack me up,

because they are,

without fail,

always poorly written and hilarious.

This one is brief,

and it's from "Lil 'Cyp"

a 14 year old in Texas.

"50 cent will kick your ass and your music suck and eat a dick bitch"

nice.

-p