The Mess of America

Last night we played in St Paul, Minnesota,
just next to Minneapolis, at a fun little dive
called Station 4.

They had a ping pong table.

That is fucking cool.

The show was great,
at least I thought so,
and the people were cool,
and I got a little stoned,
and the last band's drummer
had nine cymbals.

We needed a place to sleep last night,
so we found a travel guide with coupons.

$42 for the Select Inn.

Sweet.

We checked into the lobby with our coupon,
and the first flag came right away.

Softcore porn on the TV in the lobby.

Real softcore,
like g-strings,
but it was definitely erotic.

Hmmmmm...

While Kristen was checking in,
I was wandering around the lobby.

"look, a pamphlet!"

"Welcome to Select Inn,
a proud member of the Fantasuite Family"

Fantasuite?

What is a fantasuite?

"look, a pamphlet about Fantasuite"

"Welcome to Fantasuite,
a customized erotic adventure."

Whoa....

Suite.

Turns out,
Fantasuite is a hotel chain
that uses themed erotic rooms.

Hard to explain.

But they have 12+ different themes,
like Western, Arabian Night, Outerspace,
Vegas Nights, some weird stuff, like Jungle Adventure,
and Undersea Lounge.

Each room is all decked out with crazy surfaces,
angles, baby...
and decorations and big beds and a hot tub.

In the Western, your bed is under a tee-pee,
and the hottub is like a big metal tank thing.

In Outerspace, you sleep in a UFO with a VCR
and an old school Nintendo, which is awesome.

The rooms are $150, so we didn't get one,
but I certainly wanted to.

---------------
Last night, we ran out of the new England Live CD,
so I had to get some printed here in Minneapolis.

We had an hour or two to kill,
so I took Kristen to the Mall of America.

Holy shit.

I forgot how big that thing is.

The map is completely irrelevant,
you can't read it, and it doesn't tell you
where you are, and the numbering system
is way beyond human understanding.

For example, and this is not a fib,
our parking spot was in B-10 Georgia Peach East level 2.

What the hell is that?

Inside the mall, they have added a second roller coaster.

It was ten dollars for the two of us to ride,
very fun, actually, for 45 seconds.

We tried to shop, but we couldn't find anything
except the Gap, and the Gap is the same everywhere,
so what is the point of going into this one?

We bought some juice, ate lunch from the free samples
in the Chef Store, and went on our way back to B-10 Georgia Peach.

"which one?"

"Level 2"

"East or West?"

"East"

-p