Pity

I ran into my Irish friend, Eoghan
last night at a bar in downtown Chicago.

He told me my blog has too much self pity.

It made me feel bad,
and now I pity myself.

Just kidding.

I feel great.

I spent the weekend
in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin.

I think that's how you spell it.

I was doing stand up comedy
at a resort.

They put me up in an awesome hotel room,
two free dinners, two free breakfasts that
I slept through, and lots and lot of free drinks.

There were two shows,
Friday and Saturday.

I went first on Friday,
as the "feature" act.

Features do twenty five minutes,
after the MC guy,
and before the headliner.

The headliner was a very funny dude
named Nate Craig.

Very funny.

But he made the unfortunate
mistake of laying into a heckler
really hard, who happened to be
close personal friends with the owner.

He called her a selfish, drunk, bitch.

ouch.

so, the second night,
they asked me to headline.

I was flattered,
but very uncomfortable.

Comics don't like me,
and this wasn't going to help.

Nate Craig was cool about it, though.
I wasn't funnier than he was,
I just didn't call the owner's friend a drunk whore bitch.

So, the second night,
I was watching the crowd come in,
and I watched them seat
four senior citizens,
in the front row.

The very, front, row.

oh....boy,
they're gonna love me.

The one guy was eighty two,
and he had,
not only hearing aids,
but two plastic bubbles
strapped to his head
to block out the backround noise.

holy shit, dude.

who the hell put you right up front?

And what is that around your neck?
Yeah.. that big wooden thing,
the size of my palm?

Oh...
shit.

That's a crucifix.

Not just a cross,
this one has a little Jesus doll on it.

sweet.

This is my demographic.

Nate Craig went first,
and he was going along,
and he said one thing about
hearing contraptions,
it was pretty funny,
and the old guy started scowling.

Now..
in a stand up show,
the lights are so bright
on the stage that you can really
only see the front two rows.

The whole front row on the one
side was just glowering at him.

Not cool.

the whole rest of the crowd
was having a great time,
laughing, shouting,
yee haw.

Why did they seat them up front?

That's just ridiculous.

I was up.

This is going to rule.

I plugged in,
smiled at the crowd,
waited...

waited....

and just turned to the old people
and said, "you guys are going to really hate this"

ha haha

No,
seriously,
I'm warning you now
that this is not going to
get any more enjoyable for you,
and I'm not going to ask you to leave,
or move, but...

you should probably leave or move.

They didn't.

They just frowned.

And I was having no part of it.

I fucked with them,
gently,
friendly-like,
nothing offensive.

I played Smoke that Weed,
and asked them if they had any.

I played Tru Gangster
and gave them a close up guitar solo.

But...
I think it was when I said, "Amen"
after STD Test, that they finally had enough.

They got up and left.

And I said, "oh.....no.... where are you guys going?"

I thought it was hilarious.

I think the rest of the crowd did too.

If you're eighty,
and you wear a crucifix,
and little plastic hearing bubbles,
do not sit in the front row at
a modern stand up comedy show.

It's just not a good idea.

You probably shouldn't be reading this, either.

-p