Lucky Man

Being a semi-professional smart ass
has it's ups and downs.

If I'm not careful,
and I talk too much,
sometimes I put myself
into situations that are
less than ideal.

I have never been shy about my opinions,
and I have always been encouraged
to be an even bigger smart ass when
people are laughing at me.

Two stories:

A few weeks ago,
my friends from Mission Improvable,
the comedy troop I used to tour with.
were in town on some business.

That's eight comedians,
and me, and our friends,
at a bar getting drunk.

Nick's Uptown, to be exact,
after a few heavy rounds at the Holiday Club.

I was sitting with two friends,
not comedians, but still cracking jokes,
laughing, and pretending to be smarter
than we are.

A giant Asian man was pushed into me,
and he didn't apologize.

Instead, being obviously drunk,
he blamed his friend for pushing him.

A simple apology would have ended it there,
but he didn't, and I was being egged on,
so I put on my smart ass cap.

Push, fall into me,
blame friend....

"I'll cut you" I say.

"what?" says the giant, muscular, drunk Asian.

"I said, I'll cut you. Next time we're in line"

Obvious joke, sly, smart ass, classic, in my mind.
My friends started chuckling.

"what did you say to me?"

"I said I'll cut you, in line, if you're in front of me,
I'll get in front of you, and you will have been cut"

"You're gonna cut me?!?"

"yes, in line."

"you're gonna cut... me?"

"yup. let's say we're both waiting for Aerosmith tickets,
and you're in front of me, I'll distract you, and sneak ahead,
in our line, thus cutting you."

My friends were laughing their asses off.
I had eight more behind me,
I figured if anything went down I'd be okay.

Plus, the bit was ridiculous, and I couldn't
give it up, if he was so thick to think I would
actually threaten him with a knife,
well then we both deserved what was coming.

Instead, it finally dawned on him
that I was making a joke.

He smiled, a little... said "aw man..."
and walked away.

Later that night, when we were leaving,
there were cops outside talking to
the giant Asian, and there was another
guy with a bloody, bruised face.

Apparently, the Asian had just punched this
guy in the head for no reason.

Close. Call.

Second Story:

Today, I was crossing the street to
go to 7-11.

I don't know if I've told you,
but one of my absolute pet peeves
is when people are talking on
their cell phones while driving
through Chicago City traffic.

A: It's against the law now.
B: You drive like an idiot.

I have often stopped people
at traffic lights, knocked on windows,
stood in front of cars,
trying to make a point.

Stupid, I know, but it's quite a rush.

On this particular instance,
a guy in a silver sports car almost
nailed a biker by turning right into him,
of course, he was yapping on his phone.

Being the bold idiot that I sometimes am,
I started yelling at him.

"Maybe you should get off your fucking phone
while your driving so you won't hit people!!
Jesus Christ, just watch where you're going,
you almost hit that guy."

I happened to be crossing the street when it happened,
So I pretty much yelled right into his window.

I've done this before. usually nothing happens.

This time, the shit hit the fan.

He yelled something, I yelled "fuck you"

He sped up, pulled over,
and an enormous man with
a 22 ounce beer in his hand got out
of the passenger side.

He was still a block down the road,
yelling.

"Come here, pussy, you want to
say shit, why don't you come here
and say it to my face?"

This wasn't the driver,
I had no beef with him.

Plus, he was huge, and drinking
in a car at four in the afternoon.
In my book,, not someone you want
to fuck with.

I said something like,
"just be careful when you're driving"

An attempt to hold my ground,
speak my statement,
but also say, "look at me, I don't want to fight you."

He didn't get back in his car.

He started walking very fast towards me,
yelling, swearing, spitting, all with
a beer in his hand.

ummm....
this isn't cool.

I'll go into 7-11,
what's he going to do,
follow me into a store and try
to fight me there?

Yes.
That is exactly what he's going to do.

I walked calmly into 7-11,
and went to look at the juice.

A few moments later,
he came tearing in,
still yelling,
still swearing,
and still holding a beer.

He actually backed me into a corner
of the store and continued to threaten me.

He never touched me,
at one point I think my hand,
raised in a defensive stature,
touched his chest.

He said, "don't touch me mother fucker"

And I think I said, "okay"

I'll be honest. I was sizing up the guy,
and the situation.

I thought about what I could do,
punch, headbutt, ball grab,
push into cereal aisle...?

I sized him up and quickly decided
I did not want to touch this guy at all.

He as very big, very, very angry,
and he shad the balls to come screaming
into 7-11 while holding a beer
trying to pick a fight with some
skinny guy with feminine leather
shoes because I yelled some shit
to his friend who almost killed a biker.

Crazy?
yes.

Drunk?
yes.

Bigger than me?
much.

I tried to pacify,
I did not apologize,
at least I can hold onto
that when I cry myself to sleep.

He kept chasing me around
7-11 longer than you would
think possible.

I'm not sure what he wanted,
after it became painfully clear
that I was not going to fight him.

But he kept at it,
and I got a lot of spit on my face,
and I held my ground as best I could
without asking to get my head split open.

Eventually he left.

The owner of the 7-11 was furious with me.

Whatever... I didn't think he would actually
follow me into the store.

I got out of both situations
with nothing more than a racing pulse.

the best part,
is after i hopped into
my car from the 7-11,
I picked up my cell phone... just kidding,
I turned on the radio, and the song, "Lucky Man"
was playing.

I smiled and said, "yup."

-p