Nice Peter Spreads Racism in Preston, UK

I can't stop chuckling to myself.

Last night we played
at the Adelphi club in Preston... England.

Two songs into the set,
a giant bald man started
waving three fingers at me in what
I could only assume was some sort
of insulting, British, sign language.

(If you hold up two fingers it means:
"fuck off" or "you're French")

But this was three fingers in sort
of a wanking motion.

I could not tell at first if he was pleased, or pissed off.

I think I was singing 50 Cent is a Pussy,
so maybe he was in the G-Unit posse.

Either way, it distracted me enough to stop the song,
and ask what he was tying to say.

I stopped, and said "excuse me sir, but what are you trying to say...?
it's cool, you've got the floor, get it off your chest"

Now, I'm not sure what I was expecting.
Maybe, "you swear too much" or "you're an idiot",
maybe even "good show, man"

The audience was quiet, me and Kristen were stopped,
all ears on bald guy.

"You are a racist shithouse!"

Whoa.

That's a new one.

A racist?
shithouse?

Very creative insults,
but I had no idea what
he was talking about.

I didn't mean to,
but I laid into him.

That was a bad idea.

I think he was going to leave.
But instead, he stayed the rest of the show,
right in the middle, glaring at me.

Occasionally, he would shake his head,
but he was always right there, dead center,
staring at me like only a big, British, bald guy can.

Fuck.

I was scared.
I'll admit it.

I didn't want to end up getting
fed to the pigs like some skinny
character in Snatch.

He was a scary looking guy,
and apparently he thought I was racist,
and not too pleased about it.

Needless to say, he really threw off my concentration.

Firstly because he was big and obviously crazy,
and staring right at me on stage while I was trying to perform.
(I felt like the rich golfer in Happy Gilmore)

Secondly because I was trying to figure out
why the hell he thought I was being racist.

After the show,
I was talking to some friends
about the whole ordeal.

We all agreed he was a nut,
and I asked,
"why did he think I was racist?"

Their reply:

"oh, because said nigger a dozen times
in the first song..."

Huh?

what... wait... what?

When did I say nigger?

I didn't say nigger,
why would I say nigger on stage?

They said, "oh yes you did, it was hilarious.. real balls, man."

No, that's not balls, saying "nigger" in a room full of white people is easy.
Cowardly, almost. Saying "nigger" at the Trace Hip-Hop and Spoken word open mic in Chicago,
that would be balls.

Regardless, I didn't say nigger.

Certainly not a dozen times.

...

I was confused.

I went to bed drunk and confused.

Luckily,
my friend Ed,
the editor of HedMag (www.hedmag.co.uk)
recorded the whole set.

This morning we listened,
intent on finding the truth.

Ed swore I said nigger a dozen times.
Not only that, but I also commented on how
I could say it in the UK, but not the US.

It was in the first song,
not even, just the rambling
introduction to the first song.

I was talking about my underwear being sweaty,
real charming stuff.

I said "my underwear is dripping with sweat."
And then I said "maybe I should just say knickers"

Knickers. A British term for underpants.

"Cause I can say knickers in the UK,
but I can't say knickers in the USA,
Knickers, knickers, knickers"

Oh...
ha ha ha ha.

That sure did sound like niggers.
It really did.
That makes a lot more sense now.

Oops.

Well,
rest assured,
there was no intended
racist propaganda last night.
A simple misunderstanding.

...

..

White power.

-p