Unemployed Homophobe

Dear Reader,

Holy shit.

I got fired last week.

From my job at the
Thai Restaurant that
has been with me for five years.

Through ups and downs,
ins and outs,
tours, girlfriends, and shows,
for rich and for poor,
better or for worse.

Apparently,
I pushed it too far,
bullshit,
but whatever.

I remember back in
college, while I was still
going to some classes,
a director told me,
after showing up late,
"you're not going to be
able to get away with this
your whole life, you know?"

I told her,
calmly,
dead to her face.

"yes, I think I am."

Not in a cocky,
I'm too good for the world,
kind of thinking,
but more in a,
life's too short for
this bullshit kind of thinking.

So, how did I get fired?

Well, I was on call,
on a Saturday night,
which means, if there's
lots or reservations,
and they need an extra waiter,
they call me in.

I put all my chips
on "not needed"
and took off for Minnesota
to play some shows.

That's what I do,
I'm not a waiter,
god damn it,
I'm a hack musician,
and that comes first.

Granted,
it was my fault that
I got my dates mixed up
and didn't request off,
but that's of no importance.

I called,
they said, "we need you"
I said, "oops, I'm in Minnesota, sorry"

Then I got fired.

Now, keep in mind,
I've gotten away with a lot
of shit over the years at that job.

Lateness, general insubordination,
and a complete philosophy of
doing things my own way.

But... to my credit,
I have never missed a shift,
never called in sick,
and I always brought
a positive attitude
to the place,
at least I tried.

This time,
I guess,
I went too far.

Another waitress called in sick,
and they were short staffed to begin with,
so.... my managers had to put on aprons.

Oops, I'm in Minnesota.

I called back on Tuesday,
I was on call that night too,
and driving back in a rush
to make it, just in case.

I asked, quite simply,
"did I get fired?"

I wasn't really expecting anything,
but they said yes.

It was a friendly exchange,
no hard feelings,
and it was the greatest
fucking thing that ever happened to me.

In my first five minutes of unemployment,
I bought two lottery tickets and a six pack of beer,
in Wisconsin, and took a break.

A fella could get used to this.

Since then,
I have done nothing but
work to finish my album,
and I shot a music video,
and I designed the artwork,
mastered the album, blah blah blah.

Thanks to you,
dear reader slash supporter,
I have been able to make enough
money from preorder sales,
not only to keep myself alive,
but to get the album printed,
and make it look all pretty.

So, here's to you,
from the bottom of my heart,
thank you for helping
me get this next one off the ground.

You know who you are,
and I really could not have
done it without you.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I should probably put on pants,
it's almost seven pm.

sucker.

-p

oh...
I forgot the homophobe part.
so...
this girl comes up to me
after a show in Minnesota,
and says, all snotty...
with her snotty little boyfriend
behind her in a silly girl's sweater.

"yeah... um... are you the singer?"

"why... yes... yes, I am."

"yeah... well... I didn't really appreciate
your casual gay bashing."

(cue- gay looking boyfriend behind
her nodding his head)

"I'm sorry... but what gay bashing
are you talking about?"

"you called that guy in there a
small penis faggot.. I didn't really
think that was funny."

"oh....
hmmm.. well,
that's okay"

"no..! it's NOT okay!"

"yes. it is, okay.
.....bye."

(cue gay looking boyfriend
shaking his head and walking
away)

First of all, you silly little bitch.
I called him a small penised "homo",
not faggot.

I don't use the word
faggot, unless its really really funny.
Like if I called you a faggot,
to your mean little face,
that would have been fucking hilarious.

But in this case,
I was doing what I
have learned to do over the years,
that is, get a giant idiot in the audience
to shut the fuck up.

the small penised homo in question
was blowing into one of those
"GO TEAM" horns, like a trumpet,
but made out of plastic with
no bendy parts or buttons.

He did it in the first line of one
of my songs...

fine.

No problem,
you've got a horn,
I need a horn section,
welcome to the show.

I will gladly make
any idiot a part of the show,
toss him a solo or two,
get him some good laughs
and introduce him to the whole crowd.

If its attention you want,
I am more than happy to share.

So invited homo pants into the show,
welcomed him, and politely asked
him to only blow his horn,
when it was awesome for everyone,
not in the middle of a joke.

So..
back to the song,
"sometimes you can't get your girlfriend to... BWAHHHHHHH"

oh, you fucking asshole.

I looked him over,
big, drunk, fratty looking,
with big drunk fratty looking friends.

How the hell can I shut this guy up?

What can I say to insult
a big jock douche bag
enough to embarrass him?
and most importantly,
show him I mean business?

I'm far enough away,
he can't punch me,
this could be cool.

I thought it might
work to exploit the big,
beer drinking, Minnesota jock's
two biggest fears.

That he's gay,
and his dick isn't big enough.

Of course,
it worked,
the wild idiot crawled
back to his native habitat.

the bar.

Now...
secondly,
you ignorant, little
Tori Amos loving,
whiny, annoying,
blowjob-with-teeth giving,
girl....

If after an entire show of mine....
THAT's what you were offended by,
then I am deeply and personally sorry,
because I did not do my job very well.

And tell your boyfriend
to change his sweater
before I start making out with him.

-p